This voyage is not for the faint-hearted
Choose a crew who fuels your growth, not your fears.
This week, I’ve been thinking about who we choose to walk with on our journey to growth (or if we’re using the metaphor that’s come up in my mind, who we sail with). I’ve been thinking about this because I’ve realised that even though we’re made for community and connection, not everyone in our community is an appropriate or worthy companion when we’re traversing the seas of change. Some people get seasick at the thought of change. Some people have had terrible experiences on their own boat and want to warn you of all the risks that come with setting sail. Others think that their journey is the gold standard for all successful voyages and urge you to follow their map, route and approach. And others still think the earth is flat, and that any journey away from your safe harbour will lead to certain death.
Those people aren’t my people.
Don’t get me wrong: I wish those people well as they embark on their own journey, at their own time… but I also get to make the call about who gets to ride shotgun while I’m on mine, and some people haven’t made it on the crew list… and that’s ok.
We are often invited to share parts of who we are, but not everyone we come across in life is owed our most vulnerable and tender parts.
When I’ve taken the time to intentionally discern who I trust when I’ve set sail towards my dreams, not only have I made it farther than I’d originally thought possible, I’ve also felt safe even when the storms have hit. I’ve learnt… through many trials and errors… that despite their best intentions, not everyone deserves a spot on my boat.
Some people don’t actually want us to grow
Sometimes growing means leaving certain people behind on dry land because they’re not ready to be in our crew. Some people like us exactly where and how we are: they might benefit from our dependency on them, or our playing a certain role in their life, or they might enjoy feeling big while we play small. Most people around us probably aren’t even aware of this, but they’ll unintentionally slow our progress because, by way of connection and relation, our change requires their change… and just because we might be ready and willing to grow, it doesn’t mean they are.
Maybe they’ve got their own fears they need to overcome, or they haven’t felt the tug of adventure in their own heart… yet, OR maybe they’re still recovering from their own recent change journey and aren’t ready to get back on a boat... yet.
I’ve been thinking of the people whom I’ve left so that I’ve had the capacity, support and space to chase my dreams. The relationships I’ve outgrown, the individuals I’ve had to keep at a distance because they were hellbent on staying on their deserted island, or (maybe the worst), the people who’ve taken credit for the bounty from the voyage when they were the ones keenest to prevent me from going anywhere new in the first place.
It’s never easy saying goodbye, and there are some people I deeply wish were willing or able to journey with me… to be honest, some goodbyes still stir up a feeling of grief. Sometimes I miss the comfort and the familiarity of their presence and support, and sometimes – especially when the darkness of night makes the ocean feel enormous – I start to think that their words of warning were wise.
But despite the pain of their absence, I’ve never regretted setting sail.
Dreaming is not for the faint-hearted
There are plenty of people who laughed at history’s great artists, explorers and rebels. I don’t think the people who laughed or resisted were necessarily all malicious - sometimes we resist change because it’s easier to continue with what’s familiar and hard, compared to facing something unfamiliar and also still hard.
It takes courage, work and commitment to dare to veer off the known track and take a new route.
It takes faith to believe in our capacity to build a better world - whether what we build is for ourselves, the people around us, or the ones we leave behind.
Whether it’s trying something for the first time, learning a new skill, taking a career break or committing to a relationship, all change takes small - sometimes big - leaps of faith. It takes regular commitments of faith and courage to continue when the big waves come and threaten to capsize you.
So the people who’ve earned a spot on my boat have got to be brave. If I’m going to trust them with my dreams, they’ve got to believe in the value of the journey, and they’ve got to be comfortable knowing that I’m writing the map as I go. Not everyone is ok with the unknown, so not everyone that I meet gets the privilege of hearing my dreams or going on the voyage with me. My husband’s on my crew and I’m on his because I know he’s got my back, and he knows that I’ve got his. I also have a handful of friends (and some family) who, over decades or growing, changing and dreaming together, know that while we’re all chasing something different, we believe in each other’s capacity to get where we need to go.
And so we pat each other on the back when the waves start knocking us about and we find ourselves throwing up overboard. We’re ready for the storms because we’ve each weathered our own, and we put up with each other yelling over the thunder, screaming instructions through the rain, or (more often than not) shivering and crying in fear. We are ok with working through the hard moments, because we each know we’re better for it when we do.
And because of all that, these are the people who deserve to be by my side when the beauty of a sunrise breaks over the horizon.
Is your crew giving you energy or draining it?
Who is in your current circle of trust? Who is prepared to weather your darkest nights so they can sit beside you at dawn? Are the people you spend the most time and energy with putting wind in your sails or forcing you to anchor in a place you’ve outgrown?
Sometimes it’s worth taking stock of whether the people we’re surrounding ourselves with are helping or hindering our progress. This isn’t a call to cut ties - rather, an invitation to reflect on whose voices we allow to be loudest or nearest and votes we choose to count. Sometimes the loudest voices are turned up simply because that’s the default setting (eg parents, siblings, old friends)… but successful dreamers rarely succeed by doing the default.
Even though there are people in our lives who seem to want the “best” for us, their version of “best” might differ from our own, or their way of getting somewhere might not be the same route we’re called to take. And if we choose different, that’s ok.
Who is willing to help you grow vs who prefers you to stay where you are?
Who is comfortable – or at least willing to wrestle with – the uncertainty of change?
Who has flexibility vs rigidity? What do you need and when?
Who is going to cheer you on vs who is going to question you? What do you need and when?
As we navigate new seasons in life, we each have the right to discern, on our own terms, who gets the right to join us on board.
If today’s post stirred something for you, know this: you don’t have to journey alone. We’re all works in progress, and sometimes we need someone in our corner who believes in us when the waves feel high. That’s the role I play as a coach – helping you find clarity, courage, and confidence in your own direction. If that sounds like the kind of support you’d like, you can learn more at joyadan.com/coaching